I tell others to live something, that I often fail at.  I tell others to trust in something I often doubt.  I tell others depend on something I sometimes ignore.  I get a little sick of my inconsistent patterns.  People look to me for answers.  I don't have the words.  People look to me for inspiration, but something inside me is dying.  I need redemption all over again.  I know you did the work.  I know you are answer.  So why do I live as if you aren't always there?  Why does my heart wander?  I want to just want you.  But my mind is sometime a million miles away from you.  I need to know that I matter even when I stray.  I need to know your with me even when I am away. 

I just need to say, I am haven't arrived - I am still on the journey.

So I need a blog where I could complete anonymous as I currently have another one where I am quite known by people in my local area.  My wife and I have been married for a while and we are very much in love, she is my best friend in the world.  Before we knew each other when she was 16 she had child and she knew she would not be able to give him what he needed and so she made a very adult decison to give him up for adoption.  We met in college and during our first year in school she told me about him.  I respect this because she told me about this prior to us getting into a relationship.  She knew it could have an adverse effect on any future us, but she was willing to go there anyway.  I won't tell you that as we dated and in our early marriage that this wasn't very difficult, because it was.  I didn't feel like I could talk to her about it, because it was in the past and it was even before she knew me.  So I took it to prayer and after a very long time God has changed my heart about this.  Recently the child has turned 18 and he and she are talking on the internet and I am so happy for her.  He calls her mom and I think that just curls her toes.  I know that she faced the very easy decision to abort this young man now of 18 years, or she could make the best decision and give the world a son and I couldn't be happier. 

I never thought in my life I would have said that.